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Reply by Molly
author of The Snyder 5
Laughing through the chaos of life
1/25/2010 2:37 PM
That is a great idea. And I do try to do that at our house. But then there are times when nothing would ever get done if I just didn't move past it :)
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Reply by Mary
author of Giving Up On Perfect
1/25/2010 3:18 PM
I haven't had much success with this tactic. But as I'm thinking about it right now, I'm wondering if it's because I have to tell my 2 yo to DO so many things, and it's hard to always think of a "B" consequence for obeying my every command. (You know what I mean, right? I'm not really commanding anything out of the ordinary - just things like don't throw toys at mommy, pick up your blanket, drink your milk, do not touch the outlet, etc.)
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Reply by Janet
author of
1/25/2010 4:44 PM
I can see where this approach could appear to be helpful, but there is a fundamental problem with it. It teaches the child that their obedience will always get them something. It does not teach them to obey simply because it is right to obey mom and dad.
"Children, obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord."
If I tell my child, "You can have a snack/watch a show/play a game with me once you have cleaned up the toys I have asked to you pick up" then I am telling them, "You only have to obey when you will reap something from it. If you don't want anything you have no need to obey."
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Reply by Jennifer
author of
1/25/2010 6:13 PM
I agree with Janet.
I don't want my children to only obey when they want something out of the deal.
Although I tend to want my children to be little robots and just "do what I say" I know that they are not.
I try to have the patience needed to gently guide them as they are growing. When they do not obey (not just forgetting to pick up their shoes) they lose a level on their privilege ladder. There are consequences to their actions both good and bad. That's something that will be a constant in their lives forever!
You don't always get a "do over"
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Reply by Kristen
author of We Are THAT Family
1/25/2010 6:36 PM
Janet and Jennifer, I see your point. But I think God asks us to obey and we reap the rewards and benefits of our obedience just like our children do. I think obedience does get us something. We obey because we love Him, as I hope my children obey out of love and respect for me. The rewards aren't bad either. Just my two cents ;D
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Reply by everydayMOM
author of everydayMOM
1/25/2010 6:52 PM
I do a couple of things with my kids that help... We definitely haven't perfected this and they don't always obey, but these ideas do help...
First, I ask them to respond, "OK, mom" as soon as I ask them to do something. If they don't say it, I say in a questioning voice, "OK, mom?" and they repeat it.
That lets both of us know they have heard the request and they are responding that they will do what I say. That way, if they don't, we both know they are choosing to disobey.
If they then go on to choose to disobey, I ask them to sit. That means they need to sit with their hands together and not say a word for a few minutes. Then we go through some discussion:
What did mom ask you to do?
What did you do?
What does God want you to do? (obey mom and dad)
OK... go do it...
If the situation is worse than that, we go through other steps of confessing what they did wrong, asking forgiveness, etc.
But really, it's amazing to me what a difference it makes to simply speak directly to them and get the "OK, mom" right from the beginning, rather than shouting a command from across the room while they are playing and then wondering why they didn't respond.
It also helps to set them up for success by giving them warnings. "In five minutes I'm going to ask you to clean your room and I want to hear an 'OK, Mom'."
BTW, my kids are 9, 7, 5 and 8 weeks...
=] emily
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Reply by Karen
author of Sweet Brown Sugars
1/25/2010 8:16 PM
I have a motto that I use in my classroom and at home, "Slow obedience is no obedience."
I too like for my daughter to acknowledge that she heard me. I like Emily's follow through.
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Reply by Whatzthebuzz
author of Teaching Kids About Money
1/25/2010 8:28 PM
The hardest part for me is biting my tongue.
I have such a bad habit of repeating myself before they even have a chance to obey.
We have a similar saying "slow is the same as no"
And I think there is a difference between not doing Buntil A is done, and teaching your kids to work for rewards. You aren't bribing your kids by saying something like "if you put your toys away, mommy will get you something" Its just more matter of fact. "I'm sorry, i can't jump to your every whim, because you did not obey"
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Reply by Janet
author of
1/25/2010 8:55 PM
I agree that yes, overall we can be rewarded or disciplined for our disobedience or lack there of, but it isn't as if God says to us for each action, "If you will do this, I will do that." For every action we ask of our kids to have a direct reward, then we are teaching them that their motivation to obey should be what they get out of the deal. How is that going to help them outside of the home when obedience isn't always rewarded deed for deed? How is that going to help them as they grow older when obedience could lead to "not good" things like persecution, alienation, and loneliness?
This isn't to say that my children (ages 6, 5, 3, 1) aren't rewarded for obedience. They are. They are praised. They are trusted. They are given rewards when they are merited (for example, I often pick up a treat for them at the grocery store if they haven't asked for anything). They get to play longer places because I know that if I say, "time to go" that they will stop playing and come straight to me.
And, like Emily, I do expect my kids to respond. First, because then I know they heard me and they know that I know they heard me. Second, it teaches them that people need to be looked at and responded to when they say something.
On a final note, I want to point out something that is important to us: we differentiate between something that we ask them to do and something we tell them to do. We choose our words carefully. If I say, "Would you mind getting me a towel?" I have asked them a yes or no question and I give them complete freedom to choose their answer. Most often, they are willing, but sometimes, they respond with, "would you mind getting it, I am in the middle of a chapter." On the other hand, if I say, "Please go get me a towel," then they know that I have given a command and "no" (whether in word or deed) is not an option.
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Reply by Janet
author of
1/25/2010 8:57 PM
P.S. Unrelated to the discussion, how in the world do you get your blog addy to show up? Mine doesn't.
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