Thanks for all of the thoughts, advice, and kind words, ladies.
Waiting until I was 37 was never the plan (sometimes I wish I would've had a baby straight out of high school!) but it is how life unfolded. Matty and I got married this past August (we started dating in 2007; I had been divorced from my first husband for 8 years at that point) and so we've just been married six months.
There is a small voice that whispers to start trying now and just let life unfold as it does but there is a stronger voice in my head that reminds me to stop being selfish and start being wise.
Our cost of living is ridiculous (you don't even want to know but to give you a frame of reference, child care for one baby would run us $300-$400 a WEEK) and there is no where we can move within a commutable distance that offers a cheaper cost of living. Even if I continued to work after the baby was born, child care alone would eat up half of my salary; since commuting currently eats up a 1/4 of it, my net salary would not be enough to justify leaving the babe with strangers (neither of us has family remotely close by to help out and I'll be honest - I'm a complete control freak and trust no one).
So money is an issue but it's not the only one. Currently, we live in a 1 br, 700 sq foot flat that we bought in Hoboken, NJ, right before the economy collapsed. Fortunately, it was a smart investment because I'm married to a smart number cruncher. However, we can't sell in this market and, well, it's 700 square feet. We can't both talk on the phone at the same time. Heck, one of us can't talk on the phone if the other is watching tv. Matty works 12 hour days and needs his sleep. The only place he would be able to get a good nights sleep if the baby was having a bad night would be in his car. Which, since we don't have parking, could very well be a 10 minute walk away.
But there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Like I said, I'm married to a master number cruncher who is a ridiculous saver, too. In another year or so, we'll have saved enough money so that we can buy a larger place - if we sell this one. Then in another year, we'll have saved enough money so that I can stay home and we can maintain our current (modest) standard of living.
I know we are taking a risk but it's one that we must take, I feel, in order to insure that if we have a baby, we aren't putting ourselves in a bad situation. I don't want my husband carrying the burden of shouldering the lives of 3 people on his salary at its current level. I don't think that would make him the best dad he could be. I don't want to be at home 24/7 with a baby in 700 sq feet, stressed out every time I spend money, knowing my husband is the only one working and that we are living paycheck to paycheck. I don't think I would be in a good place and therefore wouldn't be at my mothering best.
Life in the NY/NJ area is vastly different from life other places where it is possible to not only survive financially on one income but even in some cases, to live well. My bff in PA stays home with her 3 kids in her 3000 sq. ft home, her husband provides the sole income for the household, and they are debt free and want for nothing. He makes 1/4 of what my husband and I make combined! It boggles my mind that in comparison, all things considered and bills paid, we are in a worse financial situation! Oye!
The cost of living is so high here yet this is where our jobs are and that is not changing anytime soon so we have to work with what we have. Which means I need to keep working for now and, well, it's not the time to have a baby.
So I won't, yet. I just can't allow my own selfishness and desire to procreate override what is best for that baby and my husband and me. Other people could do it in our situation but they aren't us (not many people pop Xanax before taking a yoga class like I did two weeks ago, I'm thinking. I've got some issues with stress) and so we need to only consider what is best for us... and little Alba. Or little Luc.
And right now, I think that what is best for our baby is to have two happy, healthy, mentally stable and relatively low key parents (ok, so one of us is already all of those things. I'll let you guess which one... ).
We'll see what happens!
Fortunately, I chose wisely and married someone I'll be happy with forever - baby or no baby.