I value honest feedback, in whatever form.  As long as comments are intelligent and not abusive, I try to see though whatever harshness there is to find the message.  There typically is one, and the truth is that the comments that sting a little are the ones I often need to hear the most.  When something touches a nerve there's a reason for that, and it's worth taking a deeper look to figure out why.  I can't always rely on myself to step far enough away from an issue to get the perspective others might have - while I don't have to follow their advice, or believe in everything they say, it helps to try and see it from their point of view.

Even if I don't like the message, there's still a difference between a total sh*t-stirrer and someone who's legitimately trying to be helpful in some way.  How we try and help people has a lot to do with who we are, and what we respond to - what we would want others to do for us if roles were reversed.  Just because it may not be a fit for what I'm personally looking for doesn't make the message any less valid.  Personally, I believe that if I'm asking for help or wanting encouragement, I have to be willing to accept it in many forms.  I can't expect to cherry pick only the kind of advice or comments I'd like to hear or best respond to.  In fact, I think that can be kind of dangerous because it can be somewhat enabling.

Take what works for you, and leave the rest - but open yourself to receiving all of it.   If you can't, or the issue is too personal, raw, painful or whatever to put out there for general consumption and commentary, then I say keep it private.  There's no rule that says you have to open your whole life to the world. 

I want honesty for sure but I want it said with kindness and compassion.

Like my mom always said "You can tell a person to go to hell in such a way they'll want to hurry and get there."

Hmmmm, I'm gonna put that on as my facebook status.

"Tough love" is likely to be counter productive for me, triggering me to self harmful behaviours and really derailing my progress for some time.

What helps me is kind support, and supportive behaviours or environments (not just words). I do a lot of experimenting to find out what works for me and what ends up working against me.

I don't need anyone to tell me "the truth" or give me a wake up call about my health.

I am intelligent, well read and interested in my own well being - no one is going to be telling me anything about my health that I haven't already heard of, thought of or researched.

What's more I know a LOT about my health (physical and mental) that even close friends and family are not aware of and there fore are unable to take into account. I have been given flat out dangerous advice by well meaning "tough lovers" who didn't have enough information to know better, and who upon getting the extra information treated it as though it were just an excuse. There is nothing loving about putting my heath at risk because you don't have all the facts, or don't care about them

Being repeatedly told something that you already believe, acknowledge and understand doesn't make taking the related actions any easier, they are totally different things.

Sue makes some really good points. I guess sometimes tough love is good--but yeah, within reason! I think that one of my biggest problems is when I have read some of your posts that just tell it like it is, good bad or ugly, but that aren's asking for advice. I think that if you specifically ask for opinions, or suggestions, or other perspectives, then it opens it up a lot more for people to really say what they think. If you don't ask, it's still open for suggestions just because that's the nature of putting something up for everyone to read. But I think it's to a much smaller scale. I still think that people can offer alternative perspectives that could be very valuable to you, but they don't have to tear you down and make you feel like you're stupid. You are very honest in your posts, and many of your struggles I have experienced myself. As I've said before, I've lost about 120. I know what works, I know what's bad, but I still have a lot of learning to do about my specifics. I've never been 183 before. I have gone into uncharted territory. And when I struggle, it helps me to kind of see things a different way, so that when one of those perspectives really hits home, it is worth a lot. I know that there are people out there who could say things  to me that would change my life forever...

If you have something good to give someone, give it in a way they'll appreciate receiving it. I mean, if you made a really good bowl of soup for your husband, and then threw it at him and got it all over his clothes, he would NOT receive it well or appreciate it, even though it was a super yummy soup. But if you served it up at the table, in the right way, he would love it and easily be able to take it in and let it do him some good. Just some food for thought. (LOL, I couldn't resist the pun--sorry). =)

I wish people had been tougher on me when I was piling on the pounds.  No one gains 60 lbs. in two years for any good reason...yet no one, except my dear late mother, called me on it at the time.  When she did mention it, I, of course, became defensive...because the truth hurt.

I agree Norma, but think it is different coming from someone who loves you, like our parents, siblings, best friends, than coming from someone we only know online in a casual way.

I get a lot of good from the suggestions I get in my comments. Even the tougher ones! If someone suggests with kindness that I am going down the wrong path, I am much more likely to consider it than if someone says "you are so stupid! When are you going to wake up and stop kidding yourself!" I am also more likely to consider comments from someone I "know" from seeing their name leave kind comments before, or from their blog, than someone who is just "Anonymous" and doesn't even sign a first name or handle that I can see which "Anonymous" it is.

I think when being "tough" or blunt or frank, it is important that the LOVE is in there too!

That is true, Lyn; I'm certainly not excusing the very rude and sometimes outright mean comments that readers, especially anonymous ones, post to you and other bloggers. I do feel that sometimes, however, those are meant with love but are expressed with frustration (and a false bravado when written anonymously).  Also, nuance that would be felt in a verbal conversation is very easily lost in an electronic format, so a writer's tone that is, in her head, said with true concern and almost pleading for you to "see the light" or whatever, in print on a computer screen sounds like scolding.  Again, not excusing anyone because there are some whom, it seems, come here waiting to see you slip up so they can jump on it and prove their points. But I do think most readers, including me, are proud of you, do want to see you work through this and feel like we really "know" you through having read so much of your personal story for years.  We do get emotionally involved in it! And like with our real families/real life friends, we feel close enough to you, if that makes sense, to let out those emotions, sometimes in a way that is not pleasant to hear (or, read). 

Not at all. Unless it is someone I am really close to and they are still being nice about it, it will make me feel embarrassed and ashamed, which i will try to self comfort which generally means pity party including so much emotional eating.

Hell I used to be able to take most criticism with a grain of salt, but I literally called in sick to work on Thursday after getting in trouble on Wednesday because I was so embarrassed- my face was literally purple. (and I was crying, in front of corporate, I couldn't even explain why i was so upset- which i was for many reasons, and was so choked up I was unable to voice that information) and now I am considering looking for another job, hell maybe I don't even have that one.

Now if someone says HEY! I got a free pass to zumba, or hey your shirt is coming undone (Hey, i actually gained some weight that last button wont do up- or whatever) Easy peasy. Something mean or hateful, just can't do it. Some days I can shrug things off as people trying to help, or consider that they must have been or are veyr miserable but in their own way they are trying to help- but not all the time.