I don't think you should need to apologize for having your feelings, your thoughts, and coming to your own decisions about IVF.

When I read your original post, the first one, I didn't think it sounded like you were talking about anyone else but you or that it was offensive in any way.  But I also have never been through infertility and therefore have no nerves there for it to strike if that makes sense.  But I think the people who reacted negatively it is more about them and their issues/feelings than about your decision.  

I know how you feel in a way about the kicked out of the club feeling. I know its not NO WHERE near the same, but I kinda feel that way right now with my eating disorder. I am no longer rail thin and am actually working at not relapsing as much as possible but I feel like a fake when I talk about my eating disorder and am too scared to go to a support group because of it.  I am too scared that I am not thin enough to truly have an eating disorder. Like I can only seek help and support when I am deep in it not when I am just finding myself relapsing and struggling again but not in it as bad as I was when I was younger.  Like no one will believe its a real struggle because I look healthier and am not underweight anymore. 

So, those are the thoughts that came to me reading your posts. :) Hope it's okay and please know that I know that infertility and eating issues are totally different but it's kind of how I feel with eating disorders.  I used to be a part of a support group and people either get better or you can eventually die from it.  But its like once you get better you don't exactly fit in but it doesn't mean that your issues are all gone either or that it doesn't come back up again. 

LOVE LOVE LOVE the post!!

And the lady you quoted... exactly right on. 

I had all the support in the world when I was going through treatment. When I got pregnant 95% of it went away. I had one scare during my pregnancy and everyone came out of the woodwork again. 

They were all there when it was hard but they disappeared when it was good. 

So, I got my handsome little man who has filled my life with more love than I thought possible. I am beyond thankful for him. 

But, I sometimes still hurt over the infertility and the fact that I will be back to injecting myself with drugs in the next month or two as we try again. 

My broken body... still hurts. 

And I'm terrified to write about B too much on my blog even though it's my own space. I was terrified to write about my pregnancy. The fear of judgement is too much. Which is why my blog has been all but abandoned. 

I am scared to be too happy, or too honest about the difficulties publicly, because then I might be bitterly lumped in with the 'ungrateful fertiles.' 

It's a fine line and I'm getting exhausted from the balancing act.

Yes. I am infertile and it has affected my life greatly. 

But it does NOT define me. 

Ok, rant over. I loved the post. You are entitled to every single feeling you have. 

Same here.  I just read it as your perspective, not the be all end all of how IVF should be viewed.  Then again, I haven't walked the path of infertility either so there isn't anything that would strike me.  

“

Anna said ...
When I read your original post, the first one, I didn't think it sounded like you were talking about anyone else but you or that it was offensive in any way.  But I also have never been through infertility and therefore have no nerves there for it to strike if that makes sense.  But I think the people who reacted negatively it is more about them and their issues/feelings than about your decision.  

”

However, I did read someone else's response to your post (can't remember if it was a comment somewhere or actual blog post) where the person said that those who struggle with infertility deserve their pregnancies (which I don't argue with) and if there are pregnancies that should never have existed it's those of drug addicts and alcoholics (or something to that extent, I know I'm not quoting it exact).  That comment actually struck a nerve with me.  I know a girl who does have some disabilities because of choices her birthmom made.  She brings so much joy to those around her, including me.  She is a wonderful girl and has a lot to offer the world.  To say that she should never have been is just sad and leads me to believe the author has a lot of hurt they need to work through.  Every child deserves a chance at life no matter how they were conceived and the manner of conception and the circumstances surrounding it shouldn't make ones life more valuable than the next.  I realize there must have been a lot of hurt to make a statement like that.  I just can't even begin to imagine.  

I'm sorry Sparkle.  It's easy for an outsider to forget all you had to go through to get your little one.  And never stop talking about him or posting pictures.  Show him off and be proud, he's a handsome little man!  

“

Sparkle said ...
But, I sometimes still hurt over the infertility and the fact that I will be back to injecting myself with drugs in the next month or two as we try again. 

”

Thank you!!

I wasn't referring to this community at all. 

The infertility community can be rough, though. :) I got a lot of support from them and it was great. I just wish it had been something I could have kept in my life, though.

“

Susan said ...
I'm sorry Sparkle.  It's easy for an outsider to forget all you had to go through to get your little one.  And never stop talking about him or posting pictures.  Show him off and be proud, he's a handsome little man!  

”

Im still here reading and supporting, I'd love to weigh in, but being an outsider, I know I will never 'get' it. But still here reading, whatever it is you write about, I stick around to blogs if Iike what the writer writes. Glad you found me back at avoiceofmyown, I've been hooked to your blog ever since I landed on it,

After reading the first post it didn't seem that you were being judgemental... but that you were being defensive. And I think anyone who's had the heartbreak of infertility feels as though they need to defend every decision, thought, action they have towards IF. It seems to me like you were making a statement about your decision and defending yourself while trying very hard to get everyone to understand where you're coming from. If others are offended by that, or take it the wrong way, then that probably has more to do with their own experiences than yours. With IF and IVF we all have to ask ourselves how far we're willing to go. How far is too far? How many times should I try? Is it giving up if I stop? Should I keep going until we get that baby? Can I handle the heartbreak again? Are the side effects worth it? Will it make my endometriosis worse? IVF works for some people. But for others it does not and then they are faced with the decision of what to do next. IF is such a personal experience and every decision is difficult. 

 Of course it's OK Anna, and it's actually a pretty good comparison. So much of the infertility blogging community is actually like a support group. So the parallel makes perfect sense. I'm sorry you've ever had to feel that way!

“

Anna said ...
So, those are the thoughts that came to me reading your posts. :) Hope it's okay and please know that I know that infertility and eating issues are totally different but it's kind of how I feel with eating disorders.  I used to be a part of a support group and people either get better or you can eventually die from it.  But its like once you get better you don't exactly fit in but it doesn't mean that your issues are all gone either or that it doesn't come back up again. 

”

 Uggg! Friend, some of what you experienced and heard when you got pregnant breaks my freaking heart. I just do not understand how that is EVER OK.

“

Sparkle said ...
I had all the support in the world when I was going through treatment. When I got pregnant 95% of it went away. I had one scare during my pregnancy and everyone came out of the woodwork again. 

”

 And this irritates me too. I have talked to other friends about this, but I really do not think you should ever be left feeling like you can't be honest about where you are! Pregnancy can be hard, and so can parenting. It's fair to acknowledge that, even after fighting so hard for it. That's honest and real and true, and you deserve to be able to vocalize that. It really bothers me that anyone would ever be made to feel like that isn't the case. :(

“

Sparkle said ...
I am scared to be too happy, or too honest about the difficulties publicly, because then I might be bitterly lumped in with the 'ungrateful fertiles.' 

”

 :( I'm guessing they probably meant that if life were "fair" and pregnancies were granted based on who "deserved" them most - thsoe crack whores and drug addicts would be the infertile ones, and families that wanted those babies more than anything would actually be the ones bless with pregnancies - NOT that any of those babies born into that situation actually didn't deserve to be. Still... a hard thing to read and I'm sorry it struck a nerve with you!

“

Susan said ...
However, I did read someone else's response to your post (can't remember if it was a comment somewhere or actual blog post) where the person said that those who struggle with infertility deserve their pregnancies (which I don't argue with) and if there are pregnancies that should never have existed it's those of drug addicts and alcoholics (or something to that extent, I know I'm not quoting it exact).  That comment actually struck a nerve with me.  I know a girl who does have some disabilities because of choices her birthmom made.  She brings so much joy to those around her, including me.  She is a wonderful girl and has a lot to offer the world.  To say that she should never have been is just sad and leads me to believe the author has a lot of hurt they need to work through.  Every child deserves a chance at life no matter how they were conceived and the manner of conception and the circumstances surrounding it shouldn't make ones life more valuable than the next.  I realize there must have been a lot of hurt to make a statement like that.  I just can't even begin to imagine.  

”

“

Susan said ...
However, I did read someone else's response to your post (can't remember if it was a comment somewhere or actual blog post) where the person said that those who struggle with infertility deserve their pregnancies (which I don't argue with) and if there are pregnancies that should never have existed it's those of drug addicts and alcoholics (or something to that extent, I know I'm not quoting it exact).  That comment actually struck a nerve with me.  I know a girl who does have some disabilities because of choices her birthmom made.  She brings so much joy to those around her, including me.  She is a wonderful girl and has a lot to offer the world.  To say that she should never have been is just sad and leads me to believe the author has a lot of hurt they need to work through.  Every child deserves a chance at life no matter how they were conceived and the manner of conception and the circumstances surrounding it shouldn't make ones life more valuable than the next.  I realize there must have been a lot of hurt to make a statement like that.  I just can't even begin to imagine.  

”

 Dawn, you definitely hit the nail on the head. I really was trying so hard to explain where I am now, and WHY. I wanted so badly for there to be an understanding of how I've gotten to the place I am now. Did I go too far in that? Yes, I think in some ways I actually did. But man... when you just want so badly for people to "get" it without judging you as a quitter or thinking you don't really know what you're talking about in making this a decision like this - you just want so badly to get the point across. I think there is a defensiveness there, even if there shouldn't necessarily have to be. Which is definitely difficult to combat.

“

Dawn said ...
After reading the first post it didn't seem that you were being judgemental... but that you were being defensive. And I think anyone who's had the heartbreak of infertility feels as though they need to defend every decision, thought, action they have towards IF. It seems to me like you were making a statement about your decision and defending yourself while trying very hard to get everyone to understand where you're coming from. If others are offended by that, or take it the wrong way, then that probably has more to do with their own experiences than yours. With IF and IVF we all have to ask ourselves how far we're willing to go. How far is too far? How many times should I try? Is it giving up if I stop? Should I keep going until we get that baby? Can I handle the heartbreak again? Are the side effects worth it? Will it make my endometriosis worse? IVF works for some people. But for others it does not and then they are faced with the decision of what to do next. IF is such a personal experience and every decision is difficult. 

”